Dumb Information

Pimp Hand of Al Swearingin: Global Warming

The question has been one of the most talked about of the last few decades or so. It has been the campaign driver for several failed presidential candidates, as well as an even hotter topic for the creator of the World Wide Web, Mr. Al Gore. For all of you rational people out there, are we really having a Global Warming crisis?
Out and about on a daily basis, I also have the luxury of being able to peruse Mr. Gore’s fantastic voyage that is the World Wide Web, with not much else to do but to fumble around Dumb Information’s brilliant web site. Occasionally though, I do search issues that are near and dear to my own heart, one being the global warming conspiracy. But before all of you tree hugging fruit balls get your pink panties in a wad, check out just a few samples of what is my life.
In a span of less than a year, my deliverance type neighbours have been afflicted with the likes of floods, ice storms, and several Bigfoot sightings. Power cut off because of bone chilling cold winds that make you want to slit your own throat as to not have to deal with the frostbite anymore; power cut off because of flood waters that would even make Noah cringe again. So I ask of you again, DI faithful, is this the ugly face of Global Warming?

I beat the streets for a little while, pondering my next move, perhaps to Tahiti, while gathering information from lifelong residents in hopes of figuring all of this out on my own (I know now that you must know I am a Republican, because the average or above average Dem cant figure out what their name is, much less try and do something themselves). My findings, although not supported by the Guinness Book of World Records, were frightening to say the least.
These kind of natural disasters have happened over the years, but not nearly this close together. What did the near future of my hometown and states have in store for it I contemplated?
I am, (sorry for sounding a little modest), one of the greatest quality control technicians the free world has ever come across. In my line of work, if there is a problem, then there is obviously a root cause. To fix, or repair, or stop, or terminate a problem, you must seek out the root cause.
Now, just for a brief moment, think of Global Warming as a symptom, just a spec of the actual issue at hand. If the problem is for arguments sake the bastard child disease that is AIDS, then Global Warming would be one of the many symptoms such as esophagitis, a nasty but by itself not deadly, inflammation of the lower lining around the esophagus.
Now, think for another moment, if for some god forsaken reason you were infected with AIDS, that the worldwide doctors union (they formed out of absolute necessity because of atrocious work conditions and sub-human pay scales due to socialized medical care) began selling you mounds and mounds of prescription drugs claiming to be the cure for AIDS, but was actually just keeping you from burping up some seriously foul mouth gas.
My point to all of this madness is this; why stick your head up a bull’s ass when you can just take the butchers word for it? The government and Media is continually shoving this down our throats, green this and green that, and scaring us into submission so that us “ditto heads,” us Rushites nation wide, run to the mailbox or corner store to buy the first photovoltaic powered vibrator we come across because batteries just “add to that there Global Warming stuff.”
I don’t mind the government dumping dough into projects that will help out, but what can we really do to prevent something that scientifically happens on a revolving basis? Why pull the wool over the populations eyes so that funding a “eco friendly green project for the democratic senators ex brother-in-laws, mothers, future wives, dogs seller pocketing a cool $14 million to put up three solar panels in his backyard” will go down a little easier?
My question to you (with all of my infinite wisdom I am still having trouble answering) is this. Can we as a human race do anything to stop the ever growing freight train that is Global Warming?
I, as a God fearing man and disciple of his word, can claim that it doesn’t matter, because you “better believe in him or feel his wrath.” On the other hand, as a brainiac science freak, I have to take into account that other planets in our humble solar system have gone through the same things we as humans are currently experiencing, without the ill effects of a vicious can of hair spray.
So, for all of you doomsday, tree hugging, pink panty wearing douchebag’s out there, put your money back in your wallets when it comes to all the crap that the good old government is trying to sell you in regards to the inevitable warming of the Earths crust (unless of course you want to send it to DI to assist in the spread of our own truth and wisdom).
What will happen will happen, that is the answer. There is nothing we can do about it; just sit back, try not to use so many damn CFC’s, drink some beer, and go to church on Sunday mornings. Take it from me, the God fearin’ science lovin’ gun totin’ badass, which by the way; I am freezin’ my ass off thanks to this Global Warming crap, good call Al.
Until next time, believe in God, have a good time, and make sure you have plenty of ammo.

This is Al Swearingin signing off.

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Confessions of a Bus Driver: Panhandlers

There’s a town south of here that has banned panhandlers…

BRAVO!!!…

I tip my hat to the law makers of that town. I wish the lawmakers of my city had the cajones!!!… Ya can’t sling a dead cat without hittin at least one. They’re everywhere, at the street corners, freeway entrances & exits, even in front of the liquor store. Of course, that makes sense. They don’t have far to go to get that bottle of Thunderbird…

People, Get a clue!!! You’re not helping them out… You’re just supporting their habits!!!

I live near “Freeattle”. It used to be named after a famous Indian chief, but they changed the name because all the “homeless” people that stay here. When I say homeless, I mean bums, drunks & dregs… And few of them are actually from here.

A while back, a reporter was doing an article on one of the “tent cities” around. She interviewed several “tenants”. Not one person was from here!!! Why is that, you might ask. Certainly, not because all natives are the hard-working, salt-of-the-earth type. There are good people here, but there are a lot of enablers.

Freeattle is known nationwide as a city where you can move here, with no job, nor any desire to get one, and the people will feed & clothe you & find you a place to stay.

Now I understand that people get down on their luck. I have no problem whatsoever helping someone help themselves. I do have a problem with people, with their hand out, saying,”gimme, gimme, you owe me!!” Hussein’s idea of “share the wealth” is nothing new. Bum’s have been expectin’ that for years!!

I got a bum on my bus the other day that just walked by the fare box. Of course, I told him to pay the fare or take the “shoe leather express.” He belly-ached & finally threw 50 cents in the fare box.

Now, BusCo is another enabler. If you ask, they will give you a discount card so you don’t have to pay the full fare. And they will not back drivers in fare disputes!!!!!

Anyway, I ask this waste of good oxygen if he has a discount card. He replies that he left it back at the tent, but he’s disabled.

Here’s a news flash for ya slick!! Bein a bum is not a disability, it’s a character flaw!! I let him ride for about 3 blocks before I booted his sorry ass off for harassin the other passengers.

There’s a reason they don’t let bus drivers carry guns… Within a week, we’d all be in jail, planning our strategy to show justifiable homicide…

I have a relative that, back in the day, used to play this game with his buddies called “BOWLING FOR BUMS”. They would drive down the road & if they saw a panhandler, they would speed up to 35 or 40 mph, roll down the window, toss out a can of pork’n’beans & try to “connect” with the panhandler. I don’t know why it never made the game show circuit.

Well, gotta go. I’m waitin for my Hussein Obama collector’s plate to come in. Got my Hussein calendar, complete with balloon captions, for my birthday… Next, I’ll get the Hussein inauguration video for $19.95.

Am I like the only one that thinks the presidency is for sale??

-Ralph

The Land of Opportunity… if You Aren’t Poor

Posted in Democrat, Dumbass, IRS, Mainstream Media, Movies, Obama, Politician, Republican, Stimulus Plan, Tax by Chop on 4 February 2009

Different political party in power, same old outcome; a Democratic stacked Washington D.C. now has taxpayers on the edge of their seats with the price tag on the economic stimulus eclipsing $900 billion. Turns out big corporations profit because of politicians, no matter what party affiliation, after the sinking auto ship earned a possible short lived victory as new car buyers can claim a tax deduction on sales tax and interest paid.
Also nicely and recently tucked into the massive package is nearly $6.5 billion for the politically popular National Institutes on Health, approved by both Democrats and Republicans, showing that both sides can agree on spending taxpayer’s money foolishly in these trying times.
In what is turning out to be a blood fest on Capital Hill, both sides are starting to show what they are made of, to include Democrats trying to sneak in tax breaks for movie producers, and Republicans pushing for a massive tax credit for new home buyers while the economy and job market continue to tank.
Most Americans are deeply concerned that the bill has jumped nearly $100 billion in just under a month, sparking serious controversy, as layoffs and unemployment claims skyrocket at a record pace.
“Nothing seems to be safe anymore, and our elected officials want to give tax credits to wealthy movie producers, what a crying shame,” stated one unhappy Republican bystander.
“I don’t know who to trust anymore, as my party has been telling me that only the GOP is for big business. Now we are going to continue to cave when it comes to the auto giants, I just want to move to Canada,” hollered a most likely once-Democratic faithful nearby.
“Tough times require tough measures, meaning that maybe $900 billion of taxpayer’s money fueling research genetics tests and big corporation’s tax breaks is not the answer. What we need to do as a nation is sit down and think this one out, creating a deep DOD and government work pool based off of weak economy with very little incoming tax money is not a wise choice, what we need is private businesses and corporations fueling the job surge so the taxpayer does not have to foot another bill,” claimed a DI employee sitting on the couch eating Funyuns. “Get rid of the unions, get rid of illegal immigration, start making everyone pay taxes to include government employees, that includes you Tom Daschle, get rid of the free government carpet ride that is an endless supply of checks for producing nothing in return, and stop funding stupid stuff like studies to find what a watermelon does at sun type temperatures, and we as a nation will have a fighting chance.

Then, and only then, will we be able to afford to live in America.”

Dukes of DI

Posted in diet, Dumbass, Mainstream Media, Movies, Music, sexy by Chop on 4 February 2009

Jessica, keep doing what you are doing. Do not ever give in to the media. Take everything that all these washed up journalists say with a grain of salt, because it doesn’t matter much.

BBW has been for the last half century a cuss word when reported by the media, as evidence in Jessica Simpson’s recent few extra pounds. DI has a different look at this ever important phenomenon.

Keep it up, because in the famous words of Anthony Ray a.k.a. Sir Mix-a-Lot of kickass songs, “To the beanpole dames in the magazines, you ain’t it miss thing, Give me a sista, I can’t resist her, Red beans and rice didn’t miss her.”

The media has exploited the fact that Simpson has put a few back, but by no means looks bad. It just gives them something else to write about; knowing that the media rabid fan base is fixed on the “beanpole Cosmo” side of entertainment as Mix-a-Lot of badass rhymes so eloquently put it.

Why is this an issue at all? Why is gaining a few extra pounds become front page news?

The answer is fairly simple. The media has put models, runway walking stick figures, on the cover of every billboard, magazine, or bus side in the country. Skinny sells, and cellulite doesn’t.

I am not saying by any stretch that being 680 pounds is sexy or healthy, but being a few pounds on the tippy side does nothing but add a little character.

It should be about what is a happy and healthy medium, whether it is a few pounds or a few inches extra on the beltline.

If I personally were to follow what dieticians told me was the right plan, I would have to lose 80 pounds, but I do not appear very overweight at all. Losing that much would require the amputation of several appendages along with my massive melon head, just to be norm in the eyes of the rest of the world.

*Side Note* Porkchop here, his head really is the size of a world, we often wonder amongst ourselves why there aren’t moons in orbit around it *End Side Note*

So, for all of you, especially you Jessica “god I would love to see you in some Daisy Dukes with that little added junk in the trunk right now” Simpson, keep it up at a healthy and happy pace.

We here at DI don’t mind a bit.