Dumb Information

Pimp Hand of Al Swearingin: Coke VS. Pepsi

Posted in 2nd Amendment, Advertising, Conspiracy, diet, Drinking, Drugs, guns, Mainstream Media, Media, Obama, TV by Chop on 14 February 2009

How long have we as a human race had to endure ads on the Coke vs. Pepsi controversy? Every time I turn on the radio, or change the channel, or walk out of my bathroom after a nice reading of Money, Popular Science or Mental_Floss magazine, the duel to the death hits me in the face. Since the early ‘70’s (yeah I am that old but still can kick your ass), the media has forced us to swallow this fight without the refreshment of swallowing the product. Pepsi is the greatest, no Coke is the greatest, no wait, it just maybe RC Cola, just kidding, its either Pepsi or Coke, are we clear. I, the Honorable Al Swearingin, aim to end this battle once and for all.
There is no comparison, period, and I am sick of some freak boy with a microphone telling me that there is. For those of you who really take this seriously, I will set the record straight once and for all.
Pepsi’s advertising ploy through the years has been based solely off of preference instead of the facts, the true taste and feeling of slamming back a carbonated can in the middle of a hot summer day. As for myself, I will drink either product, but do however strongly prefer Coke over Pepsi, not because of the taste, but because of the feeling that a Coke gives that no other Cola can, no pun intended. I am sure that most of the nation agrees with me that neither product tastes that bad, but prefer one over the other. Like me, if you are a die hard Pepsi fanatic, if you opened the fridge on a Sunday afternoon looking for a quick swig of a carbonated drink and found only the dreaded Coke, you would pull it out and pop the top quicker than Obama nominations duck and run.
To give it a fighting chance, the PR writers at Pepsi Company have made the ads all about the taste, preference over facts. Hey, I can’t blame them; they learned that tactic from the mainstream media. But facts speak for themselves, facts that show that Coke has had the upper hand since the birth of Christ. Pepsi is all bark and no bite, and Coke has the bite, or sting, or kick in the ass that the rest of the class lacks. Its not about taste, it’s about the sting, as Mohammed Ali said it best, “float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.” Nothing, except for maybe a viewing of your 401K statement, stings like Coke.
The purity of the feeling of a Coke rolling down the back of your throat on a hot summer day, the freakishly satisfying stinging sensation that it gives you, is truly amazing. No other carbonated product can give you that sensation, putting Coke head and shoulders above the competition. By the way, if any of you Coke advertisement gurus are reading this, and it winds up in some ad in Bakersfield, California, I am coming for my money; why you haven’t realized this as a selling tool is beyond me. Everyone knows it’s about the sting, Coke is gonna sting going down, and for some reason, its all good.
Take it from me, Al Swearingin, if you like the refreshing sting of a carbonated masterpiece, drink Coke. Now it’s settled, so stop advertising on my T.V.
Until next time the God fearin’ science lovin’ gun totin’ badass says believe in God, have a good time, and make sure you have plenty of ammo.

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The Blue Brothers

Posted in Asia, diet, Health, Japan, Medical, Mongolia, Sport by Chop on 6 February 2009

I ran across another article in regards to a Mary Jane
controversy rocking the Sumo world, this time involving a
soil born Japanese wrestler.

Desperately wanting to come up with yet another hilarious article, my mind
wandered for a few until it hit me, what the hell is Sumo wrestling actually?

I know, a bunch of big men rubbing
wings
in a ring of fire,
but there had to be much more to it, so I began researching.

I immediately ran across the Dolgorsurengiin clan, a group of three
brothers kickin’ ass and taking names across the entire
Eastern Asian region.

From the Blue Wolf to the Blue Dragon, DI will take you on a short journey
into the lives of the real life Blues Brothers.

Dolgorsurengiin Sumiyaabazar, Dolgorsurengiin Serjbudee, and Dolgorsurengiin
Dagvadorj, all Mongolian born and bread, have separately made the family
name a common household word, yet hard as hell to pronounce unless you
are of course Mongolian.

Sumiyaabazar,
the oldest of the Dolgorsurengiin clan, is a high ranking skilled
Mongolian wrestler, proving his worth in the ring of death on several occasions.

Aptly named Blue Steel for this article alone (his other two brothers
use Blue in their nicknames, yet this man is bad enough to
walk around without one), Sum took the Mongolian
wrestling circuit by storm in 2006, snagging the title of Grand Champion from
a field of 1,024 wrestlers.

He had previously finished that tournament in second place four other
times, showing that he can handle himself with the likes of any other.

Mongolian wrestling matches, unlike Sumo, take place in an open field, and
puts sheer strength
to the test, as wrestlers must make their opponents upper body or
elbow come in contact with the ground.

Also, fortunately for my stomach, they do not use G-Strings, as they have
conformed to the much more conservative Speedo look.

Thumbing through pics of the sport, Mongolian wrestlers also differ from
their Japanese counterparts because they look like
Arnold Schwarzenegger on steroids (again).

Serjbudee,
the middle of the road brother, left the life of Mongolian wrestling to make
his professional wrestling debut in Japan in 2001, making him the first from
the Mongolian wrestling circuit to join New Japan Pro Wrestling.

Using the ring name Blue Wolf, Serj proved very early that he was a force
to be reckoned with.

With signature moves such as the Mongol Hammer & Mongol Slam, making even
Bill Goldberg wet his drawers.

Serj also dabbled in the world of Mixed Martial Arts,
making minced meat of Tom Howard in his May 2004 debut.

He has since slipped back into a quiet life, possibly in his home country of Mongolia.

Dag,
the baby of the bunch and by far most successful, sports the competitive
name of Asashoryu in the Japanese Sumo wrestling world.

Haling from Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia, he is already arguably the greatest
Yokozuna ever, a title reserved for the best of the
best that the sport has to offer.

Only 68 other Sumo wrestlers have had the privilege of putting that title
anywhere around their name legally.

He became the first Mongolian to bestow the term Yokozuna in 2003.

At only 28 years of age, his accomplishments are phenomenal to say the least.

Asashoryu brings with him a 598-153-76 career record, 23 grand tournament
victories (five flawless tournament victories with a 15-0 record, two of
them consecutively) putting him on the all time wins list at fourth,
seven consecutive tournament wins, an impressive 84-6 bout record in one fiscal
year (man, if only our mortgage industry could do that), and the Tiger Woods
of Sumo accomplishment of the Grand Slam,
taking by force all six tournaments in one calendar year in 2005.

Tournament record of 15-3 (11-1 during the ’04 & ’05 campaigns) over the
course of a three year period from 2004-2006, bowing out of one of them due
to an injury, and since November of 2002, has an impressive record of 23-15 in
the grand tournaments, with two of the losses coming from a suspension,
and two others due to injuries.

Asashoryu, nicknamed the Blue Dragon, garnished outstanding performances
in the grand tournament three times along with three additional
fighting spirit sticks.

He won his first top division title in just 23 tournaments, matching the
fastest ever to win that title.

He began his career at a very light weight when it comes to the professional
world of men’s thongs, making his career accomplishments even more impressive.

A family tradition that would even make Ghengis Khan
proud to be a Mongolian, these are the real life Blues Brothers that are the
Dolgorsurengiin clan.

So, get out and learn something new for yourself, there is so much
interesting dumb information in the world.

Turn off the T.V. and pick up a book,
or surf the internet using the unbelievable world of Wikipedia or
Dumb Information,
you just may be pleasantly surprised.

Dukes of DI

Posted in diet, Dumbass, Mainstream Media, Movies, Music, sexy by Chop on 4 February 2009

Jessica, keep doing what you are doing. Do not ever give in to the media. Take everything that all these washed up journalists say with a grain of salt, because it doesn’t matter much.

BBW has been for the last half century a cuss word when reported by the media, as evidence in Jessica Simpson’s recent few extra pounds. DI has a different look at this ever important phenomenon.

Keep it up, because in the famous words of Anthony Ray a.k.a. Sir Mix-a-Lot of kickass songs, “To the beanpole dames in the magazines, you ain’t it miss thing, Give me a sista, I can’t resist her, Red beans and rice didn’t miss her.”

The media has exploited the fact that Simpson has put a few back, but by no means looks bad. It just gives them something else to write about; knowing that the media rabid fan base is fixed on the “beanpole Cosmo” side of entertainment as Mix-a-Lot of badass rhymes so eloquently put it.

Why is this an issue at all? Why is gaining a few extra pounds become front page news?

The answer is fairly simple. The media has put models, runway walking stick figures, on the cover of every billboard, magazine, or bus side in the country. Skinny sells, and cellulite doesn’t.

I am not saying by any stretch that being 680 pounds is sexy or healthy, but being a few pounds on the tippy side does nothing but add a little character.

It should be about what is a happy and healthy medium, whether it is a few pounds or a few inches extra on the beltline.

If I personally were to follow what dieticians told me was the right plan, I would have to lose 80 pounds, but I do not appear very overweight at all. Losing that much would require the amputation of several appendages along with my massive melon head, just to be norm in the eyes of the rest of the world.

*Side Note* Porkchop here, his head really is the size of a world, we often wonder amongst ourselves why there aren’t moons in orbit around it *End Side Note*

So, for all of you, especially you Jessica “god I would love to see you in some Daisy Dukes with that little added junk in the trunk right now” Simpson, keep it up at a healthy and happy pace.

We here at DI don’t mind a bit.