Dumb Information

Planet Earth’s BFF

Posted in Advertising, Dumbass, Mainstream Media, Media, Movies by Chop on 3 March 2009

He is known by a simple picture of his left side and face. Not an athlete, politician, or film star, yet he is popular throughout the world, 231 countries or geographical locations strong. He is Planet Earths BFF (Best Friend Forever).
His name is Tom Anderson, which is about all that most know of him, except for the posted bulletins showing interest in new songs or videos. If you glance over his home page on MySpace, you can see that he has kept it somewhat simple while creating one of the most popular friendship networks the world has ever seen. Most pages are fancy, laid out, and have elaborate color and design schemes, yet his models a starter page for a newbie to the MySpace faction.
His creation has sparked curiosity, imagination, and desire as ordinary people such as me can reach out and find the likes of Mookie Wilson or Bill Goldberg, Stone Cold Steve Austin or George Bush, Sr. We can send a friend request, and anxiously await a response. We can see what Barack Obama is up to, and then thumb through videos of Wrestle Mania on the same website. It is an inevitable avalanche, gaining popularity and steam on what seems like an hourly basis.
From personal experience, I must have felt the void in my life that was left by the likes of missing out on MySpace when I created the Dumb Information site. I began to toy with the front page, and felt the undying urge to browse old friends that I had lost contact with several years ago. I have never been big into rekindling old friendships, as they died for a reason, but could not control MySelf. Page after page, I clicked on pictures of old high school football buddies, old work associates, and occasionally superstars such as the greatest hair band of all time Poison, which by the way is Dumb Information’s friend. Days melted into nights, nights blended into days, and a week went by, forgetting to sleep for the most part and skip meals just to see if someone had accepted my friendship request.
I have now built my friend base up from being a solitary hermit to around 30, with several requests pending. My friend list includes the likes of Poison, Vanilla Ice Ice Baby, the Entire Shreveport Bossier Captains baseball organization, three other bands, a church, and several old running buddies that I haven’t talked to in more than 10 years. All of this is possible, without having to leave the comfort of my reclining office chair, amazing.
His name is Tom Anderson, and he is my friend (along with 258,433,070 others).

You’ve had a Good Run

Posted in Asia, Comedy, death, Dumbass, Hollywood, Movies, rant, Series, Sport, TV by Chop on 9 February 2009

I was performing a little channel surfing last night and ran across a day old version of Saturday Night Live, a once great collaboration of skits sporting the likes of Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, Rob Schneider, Chris Rock, Mike Myers, Ben Stiller, Kevin Nealon, Bill Murray, Dana Carvey, Damon Wayans, Jon Lovitz, Robert Downey Jr., Billy Crystal, Jim Belushi, Joe Piscopo, Eddie Murphy, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Chevy Chase, and Gilda Radner (this list could go on indefinitely).
I was able to stomach the first four episodes, along with “I am going to have sex with your wife” game show skit. I learned, about two minutes into the skit, that I no longer cared about what was going on with the actors and actresses, but actually how many of the live audience members were showing their appreciation for the skit with laughter. I could hear clearly, as I personally made no sounds of enjoyment towards the show. There was, however, one or two in the background showing their gratitude, but one did sound like he was choking, possibly on a Polish sausage, and not at all laughing at the skit in front of him. No one was laughing any more; people just sat back, watched the skits, and clapped when they were over. I agreed, as most if not all of the skits did not seem funny anymore, some actually bordered on pissing me off for the simple fact that this show is making money hand over fist and putting out this kind of crap on a weekly basis. This leads me to my question, is there any originality left in this country?
I see skit after skit of the same crap, just giving me different faces and names. I see skits about a game show where the host sleeps with the contestants wife, and that’s the entire plot. Seriously, where is the originality in this? Where is the fire that the likes of Aykroyd and Belushi gave us, where is the coke coming out of my nose kind of laughter that Sandler and Farley gave us?
This industry finds something that works, and then pounds it into the ground as long as they can to squeeze every cent they can until they absolutely have to figure something else out to sell. If you don’t believe me, think of the following.
Friday the 13th, not just birthdays for several of my loved ones, but a horrifying movie in 1980, performing so well at the box office that Hollywood figured they could squeeze just a little more juice from its popularity. Then came Friday the 13th Part 2, Part 3, The Final Chapter, oh wait A New Beginning, low and behold Jason Lives, and he has The New Blood, then Jason Takes on Manhattan, then finally Jason goes to Hell, holy crap a Jason X, and if you weren’t tired of it by now he took on Freddy in Freddy vs. Jason, and now we have to endure yet another Friday the 13th, 2009 style. 12 movies, based off of the same crap, although Hollywood did have to sit down and figure out what town or village to pillage each time.
Yet another example of Hollywood’s creativity is the Rocky sextology, a six shooter starting from the streets of Philadelphia, traveling as far as Siberia to battle the Russian machine that was Ivan Drago, winding up back on the same streets swapping fists with Tommy Gunn, and finally dying out (hopefully) after a gut wrenching tear jerking split decision loss to Mason “The Line” Dixon in Rocky Balboa, the sixth such Rocky movie. Although I admit that I can name all of Rocky’s opponents off the top of my head and have seen all of his fight flicks, it still shows the complete lack of creativity when it comes to newness.
Creativity and originality is what made Hollywood, with the likes of movies such as Cast Away and The Blair Witch Project; the likes of shows such as The Family Guy and American Dad.
I know in my case that I have taken in so much of the influential people in my life, in order to create my own style. It’s all about a creative originality, go out and make your own.

DI Mail Call

Posted in Democrat, Dumbass, Mail Call, Mainstream Media, Movies, Music, Politician, PSA by Chop on 5 February 2009

DI Pride, thank you.

Over the past several days, I have received hundreds of e-mails commenting on
my articles, giving me the much needed inspiration to continue.

Below is just a sample of the e-mail frenzy that DI has taken in, I hope you enjoy.

Q.) “I love your articles, please post some pics of you with no shirt on” –
Deb from Seattle

A.) Deb, I would, but the rest of my fans would most likely hurl, thanks for
the thought anyways

Q.) “Your articles are not only informative, but extremely hilarious, keep up
the good work” Gary from Round Rock, TX

A.) Gary, thanks for those beautiful words, and if you think that my articles
are that damn hilarious, then you are just as screwed up as I am, WOW

Q.) “I never knew someone else was into BBW as much as I am, thanks for
writing that one about Jessica. I am going to show my sis and mom, they
will love it” Bobby from Tulsa

A.) Bobby, I knew there were others out there not scared to love on big women.
Keep filtering out the Medias thoughts in regards to what a woman should look
like; after all, I believe it should be up to the woman in the first place.
But please, for the love of god and all that is holy, do not love that way on
your mom and sister. Thanks for the e-mail and support.

Q.) “Thanks for the article on Pelosi, and thanks for that amazing Pic of her
on the front page” Ron from Los Angeles

A.)Ron, that picture was meant to scare the feathers off of a goose,
but whatever. Thanks for the support, but please keep supporting from very far away.

Q.) “Those public service announcements you guys do are awesome, now I do my
bestest to stay away from train tracks” Lew from Mobile, AL

A.) Lew, thanks for checking out our website, but Jesus, if you needed us to
figure out that you are not supposed to play around moving trains, then maybe
you should, but only after you check us out one more time.

Q.) “Although you are good at what you do, you have no clue what you are
talking about when it comes to PETA. We perform daily the activities needed
to ensure that animals worldwide are treated with dignity and respect, and
the lobster you speak of may now, and only now, live a prosperous life
because of our never ending work. Do more research before you blast us
again” Rhonda from Michigan
Big Rhonda, shut the hell up. Seriously, shut the hell up and get to cookin’
some squirrel
stew woman. Because of your complete idiocy, I have reduced you to pond scum,
but thanks for visiting our site, and please come back.

***NOTE*** no animals were harmed or killed in the making of this article

Q.) “What pole can’t make tea, love writing,” Raj from India

A.) I don’t know if you are referring to a Pollock not being able to make tea,
or if you love my writing so much that you want to do some pole dancing after
snorting some crystallized herbal tea. Whatever the case, it’s great that
you have tuned into our site from the very mysterious yet beautiful country of
India. Keep tuning in and stay away from all the hungry Bengal tigers.

Q.) “Thanks for supporting your troops, its nice to check out the site in
the suck that is Iraq” Chris from Iraq via Fort Hood, TX

A.) Thank you for supporting our site while supporting our site members while
supporting the rest of the free world. Honestly, I pray to god everyday
thanking him for men and women like you, the true Captain America’s. P.S.
Can you send me one of Saddam’s old pure gold shower valves so I
can post it on E-Bay?

DI will in the future post more comments in regards to the influx of e-mail.

Thanks for the support, until next time.

Pimp Hand of Al Swearingin: Global Warming

The question has been one of the most talked about of the last few decades or so. It has been the campaign driver for several failed presidential candidates, as well as an even hotter topic for the creator of the World Wide Web, Mr. Al Gore. For all of you rational people out there, are we really having a Global Warming crisis?
Out and about on a daily basis, I also have the luxury of being able to peruse Mr. Gore’s fantastic voyage that is the World Wide Web, with not much else to do but to fumble around Dumb Information’s brilliant web site. Occasionally though, I do search issues that are near and dear to my own heart, one being the global warming conspiracy. But before all of you tree hugging fruit balls get your pink panties in a wad, check out just a few samples of what is my life.
In a span of less than a year, my deliverance type neighbours have been afflicted with the likes of floods, ice storms, and several Bigfoot sightings. Power cut off because of bone chilling cold winds that make you want to slit your own throat as to not have to deal with the frostbite anymore; power cut off because of flood waters that would even make Noah cringe again. So I ask of you again, DI faithful, is this the ugly face of Global Warming?

I beat the streets for a little while, pondering my next move, perhaps to Tahiti, while gathering information from lifelong residents in hopes of figuring all of this out on my own (I know now that you must know I am a Republican, because the average or above average Dem cant figure out what their name is, much less try and do something themselves). My findings, although not supported by the Guinness Book of World Records, were frightening to say the least.
These kind of natural disasters have happened over the years, but not nearly this close together. What did the near future of my hometown and states have in store for it I contemplated?
I am, (sorry for sounding a little modest), one of the greatest quality control technicians the free world has ever come across. In my line of work, if there is a problem, then there is obviously a root cause. To fix, or repair, or stop, or terminate a problem, you must seek out the root cause.
Now, just for a brief moment, think of Global Warming as a symptom, just a spec of the actual issue at hand. If the problem is for arguments sake the bastard child disease that is AIDS, then Global Warming would be one of the many symptoms such as esophagitis, a nasty but by itself not deadly, inflammation of the lower lining around the esophagus.
Now, think for another moment, if for some god forsaken reason you were infected with AIDS, that the worldwide doctors union (they formed out of absolute necessity because of atrocious work conditions and sub-human pay scales due to socialized medical care) began selling you mounds and mounds of prescription drugs claiming to be the cure for AIDS, but was actually just keeping you from burping up some seriously foul mouth gas.
My point to all of this madness is this; why stick your head up a bull’s ass when you can just take the butchers word for it? The government and Media is continually shoving this down our throats, green this and green that, and scaring us into submission so that us “ditto heads,” us Rushites nation wide, run to the mailbox or corner store to buy the first photovoltaic powered vibrator we come across because batteries just “add to that there Global Warming stuff.”
I don’t mind the government dumping dough into projects that will help out, but what can we really do to prevent something that scientifically happens on a revolving basis? Why pull the wool over the populations eyes so that funding a “eco friendly green project for the democratic senators ex brother-in-laws, mothers, future wives, dogs seller pocketing a cool $14 million to put up three solar panels in his backyard” will go down a little easier?
My question to you (with all of my infinite wisdom I am still having trouble answering) is this. Can we as a human race do anything to stop the ever growing freight train that is Global Warming?
I, as a God fearing man and disciple of his word, can claim that it doesn’t matter, because you “better believe in him or feel his wrath.” On the other hand, as a brainiac science freak, I have to take into account that other planets in our humble solar system have gone through the same things we as humans are currently experiencing, without the ill effects of a vicious can of hair spray.
So, for all of you doomsday, tree hugging, pink panty wearing douchebag’s out there, put your money back in your wallets when it comes to all the crap that the good old government is trying to sell you in regards to the inevitable warming of the Earths crust (unless of course you want to send it to DI to assist in the spread of our own truth and wisdom).
What will happen will happen, that is the answer. There is nothing we can do about it; just sit back, try not to use so many damn CFC’s, drink some beer, and go to church on Sunday mornings. Take it from me, the God fearin’ science lovin’ gun totin’ badass, which by the way; I am freezin’ my ass off thanks to this Global Warming crap, good call Al.
Until next time, believe in God, have a good time, and make sure you have plenty of ammo.

This is Al Swearingin signing off.

The Land of Opportunity… if You Aren’t Poor

Posted in Democrat, Dumbass, IRS, Mainstream Media, Movies, Obama, Politician, Republican, Stimulus Plan, Tax by Chop on 4 February 2009

Different political party in power, same old outcome; a Democratic stacked Washington D.C. now has taxpayers on the edge of their seats with the price tag on the economic stimulus eclipsing $900 billion. Turns out big corporations profit because of politicians, no matter what party affiliation, after the sinking auto ship earned a possible short lived victory as new car buyers can claim a tax deduction on sales tax and interest paid.
Also nicely and recently tucked into the massive package is nearly $6.5 billion for the politically popular National Institutes on Health, approved by both Democrats and Republicans, showing that both sides can agree on spending taxpayer’s money foolishly in these trying times.
In what is turning out to be a blood fest on Capital Hill, both sides are starting to show what they are made of, to include Democrats trying to sneak in tax breaks for movie producers, and Republicans pushing for a massive tax credit for new home buyers while the economy and job market continue to tank.
Most Americans are deeply concerned that the bill has jumped nearly $100 billion in just under a month, sparking serious controversy, as layoffs and unemployment claims skyrocket at a record pace.
“Nothing seems to be safe anymore, and our elected officials want to give tax credits to wealthy movie producers, what a crying shame,” stated one unhappy Republican bystander.
“I don’t know who to trust anymore, as my party has been telling me that only the GOP is for big business. Now we are going to continue to cave when it comes to the auto giants, I just want to move to Canada,” hollered a most likely once-Democratic faithful nearby.
“Tough times require tough measures, meaning that maybe $900 billion of taxpayer’s money fueling research genetics tests and big corporation’s tax breaks is not the answer. What we need to do as a nation is sit down and think this one out, creating a deep DOD and government work pool based off of weak economy with very little incoming tax money is not a wise choice, what we need is private businesses and corporations fueling the job surge so the taxpayer does not have to foot another bill,” claimed a DI employee sitting on the couch eating Funyuns. “Get rid of the unions, get rid of illegal immigration, start making everyone pay taxes to include government employees, that includes you Tom Daschle, get rid of the free government carpet ride that is an endless supply of checks for producing nothing in return, and stop funding stupid stuff like studies to find what a watermelon does at sun type temperatures, and we as a nation will have a fighting chance.

Then, and only then, will we be able to afford to live in America.”

Dukes of DI

Posted in diet, Dumbass, Mainstream Media, Movies, Music, sexy by Chop on 4 February 2009

Jessica, keep doing what you are doing. Do not ever give in to the media. Take everything that all these washed up journalists say with a grain of salt, because it doesn’t matter much.

BBW has been for the last half century a cuss word when reported by the media, as evidence in Jessica Simpson’s recent few extra pounds. DI has a different look at this ever important phenomenon.

Keep it up, because in the famous words of Anthony Ray a.k.a. Sir Mix-a-Lot of kickass songs, “To the beanpole dames in the magazines, you ain’t it miss thing, Give me a sista, I can’t resist her, Red beans and rice didn’t miss her.”

The media has exploited the fact that Simpson has put a few back, but by no means looks bad. It just gives them something else to write about; knowing that the media rabid fan base is fixed on the “beanpole Cosmo” side of entertainment as Mix-a-Lot of badass rhymes so eloquently put it.

Why is this an issue at all? Why is gaining a few extra pounds become front page news?

The answer is fairly simple. The media has put models, runway walking stick figures, on the cover of every billboard, magazine, or bus side in the country. Skinny sells, and cellulite doesn’t.

I am not saying by any stretch that being 680 pounds is sexy or healthy, but being a few pounds on the tippy side does nothing but add a little character.

It should be about what is a happy and healthy medium, whether it is a few pounds or a few inches extra on the beltline.

If I personally were to follow what dieticians told me was the right plan, I would have to lose 80 pounds, but I do not appear very overweight at all. Losing that much would require the amputation of several appendages along with my massive melon head, just to be norm in the eyes of the rest of the world.

*Side Note* Porkchop here, his head really is the size of a world, we often wonder amongst ourselves why there aren’t moons in orbit around it *End Side Note*

So, for all of you, especially you Jessica “god I would love to see you in some Daisy Dukes with that little added junk in the trunk right now” Simpson, keep it up at a healthy and happy pace.

We here at DI don’t mind a bit.