Dumb Information

Pimp Hand of Al Swearingin: Coke VS. Pepsi

Posted in 2nd Amendment, Advertising, Conspiracy, diet, Drinking, Drugs, guns, Mainstream Media, Media, Obama, TV by Chop on 14 February 2009

How long have we as a human race had to endure ads on the Coke vs. Pepsi controversy? Every time I turn on the radio, or change the channel, or walk out of my bathroom after a nice reading of Money, Popular Science or Mental_Floss magazine, the duel to the death hits me in the face. Since the early ‘70’s (yeah I am that old but still can kick your ass), the media has forced us to swallow this fight without the refreshment of swallowing the product. Pepsi is the greatest, no Coke is the greatest, no wait, it just maybe RC Cola, just kidding, its either Pepsi or Coke, are we clear. I, the Honorable Al Swearingin, aim to end this battle once and for all.
There is no comparison, period, and I am sick of some freak boy with a microphone telling me that there is. For those of you who really take this seriously, I will set the record straight once and for all.
Pepsi’s advertising ploy through the years has been based solely off of preference instead of the facts, the true taste and feeling of slamming back a carbonated can in the middle of a hot summer day. As for myself, I will drink either product, but do however strongly prefer Coke over Pepsi, not because of the taste, but because of the feeling that a Coke gives that no other Cola can, no pun intended. I am sure that most of the nation agrees with me that neither product tastes that bad, but prefer one over the other. Like me, if you are a die hard Pepsi fanatic, if you opened the fridge on a Sunday afternoon looking for a quick swig of a carbonated drink and found only the dreaded Coke, you would pull it out and pop the top quicker than Obama nominations duck and run.
To give it a fighting chance, the PR writers at Pepsi Company have made the ads all about the taste, preference over facts. Hey, I can’t blame them; they learned that tactic from the mainstream media. But facts speak for themselves, facts that show that Coke has had the upper hand since the birth of Christ. Pepsi is all bark and no bite, and Coke has the bite, or sting, or kick in the ass that the rest of the class lacks. Its not about taste, it’s about the sting, as Mohammed Ali said it best, “float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.” Nothing, except for maybe a viewing of your 401K statement, stings like Coke.
The purity of the feeling of a Coke rolling down the back of your throat on a hot summer day, the freakishly satisfying stinging sensation that it gives you, is truly amazing. No other carbonated product can give you that sensation, putting Coke head and shoulders above the competition. By the way, if any of you Coke advertisement gurus are reading this, and it winds up in some ad in Bakersfield, California, I am coming for my money; why you haven’t realized this as a selling tool is beyond me. Everyone knows it’s about the sting, Coke is gonna sting going down, and for some reason, its all good.
Take it from me, Al Swearingin, if you like the refreshing sting of a carbonated masterpiece, drink Coke. Now it’s settled, so stop advertising on my T.V.
Until next time the God fearin’ science lovin’ gun totin’ badass says believe in God, have a good time, and make sure you have plenty of ammo.

Advertisements

DI Mail Call

Posted in Democrat, Dumbass, Mail Call, Mainstream Media, Movies, Music, Politician, PSA by Chop on 5 February 2009

DI Pride, thank you.

Over the past several days, I have received hundreds of e-mails commenting on
my articles, giving me the much needed inspiration to continue.

Below is just a sample of the e-mail frenzy that DI has taken in, I hope you enjoy.

Q.) “I love your articles, please post some pics of you with no shirt on” –
Deb from Seattle

A.) Deb, I would, but the rest of my fans would most likely hurl, thanks for
the thought anyways

Q.) “Your articles are not only informative, but extremely hilarious, keep up
the good work” Gary from Round Rock, TX

A.) Gary, thanks for those beautiful words, and if you think that my articles
are that damn hilarious, then you are just as screwed up as I am, WOW

Q.) “I never knew someone else was into BBW as much as I am, thanks for
writing that one about Jessica. I am going to show my sis and mom, they
will love it” Bobby from Tulsa

A.) Bobby, I knew there were others out there not scared to love on big women.
Keep filtering out the Medias thoughts in regards to what a woman should look
like; after all, I believe it should be up to the woman in the first place.
But please, for the love of god and all that is holy, do not love that way on
your mom and sister. Thanks for the e-mail and support.

Q.) “Thanks for the article on Pelosi, and thanks for that amazing Pic of her
on the front page” Ron from Los Angeles

A.)Ron, that picture was meant to scare the feathers off of a goose,
but whatever. Thanks for the support, but please keep supporting from very far away.

Q.) “Those public service announcements you guys do are awesome, now I do my
bestest to stay away from train tracks” Lew from Mobile, AL

A.) Lew, thanks for checking out our website, but Jesus, if you needed us to
figure out that you are not supposed to play around moving trains, then maybe
you should, but only after you check us out one more time.

Q.) “Although you are good at what you do, you have no clue what you are
talking about when it comes to PETA. We perform daily the activities needed
to ensure that animals worldwide are treated with dignity and respect, and
the lobster you speak of may now, and only now, live a prosperous life
because of our never ending work. Do more research before you blast us
again” Rhonda from Michigan
Big Rhonda, shut the hell up. Seriously, shut the hell up and get to cookin’
some squirrel
stew woman. Because of your complete idiocy, I have reduced you to pond scum,
but thanks for visiting our site, and please come back.

***NOTE*** no animals were harmed or killed in the making of this article

Q.) “What pole can’t make tea, love writing,” Raj from India

A.) I don’t know if you are referring to a Pollock not being able to make tea,
or if you love my writing so much that you want to do some pole dancing after
snorting some crystallized herbal tea. Whatever the case, it’s great that
you have tuned into our site from the very mysterious yet beautiful country of
India. Keep tuning in and stay away from all the hungry Bengal tigers.

Q.) “Thanks for supporting your troops, its nice to check out the site in
the suck that is Iraq” Chris from Iraq via Fort Hood, TX

A.) Thank you for supporting our site while supporting our site members while
supporting the rest of the free world. Honestly, I pray to god everyday
thanking him for men and women like you, the true Captain America’s. P.S.
Can you send me one of Saddam’s old pure gold shower valves so I
can post it on E-Bay?

DI will in the future post more comments in regards to the influx of e-mail.

Thanks for the support, until next time.

Pimp Hand of Al Swearingin: Global Warming

The question has been one of the most talked about of the last few decades or so. It has been the campaign driver for several failed presidential candidates, as well as an even hotter topic for the creator of the World Wide Web, Mr. Al Gore. For all of you rational people out there, are we really having a Global Warming crisis?
Out and about on a daily basis, I also have the luxury of being able to peruse Mr. Gore’s fantastic voyage that is the World Wide Web, with not much else to do but to fumble around Dumb Information’s brilliant web site. Occasionally though, I do search issues that are near and dear to my own heart, one being the global warming conspiracy. But before all of you tree hugging fruit balls get your pink panties in a wad, check out just a few samples of what is my life.
In a span of less than a year, my deliverance type neighbours have been afflicted with the likes of floods, ice storms, and several Bigfoot sightings. Power cut off because of bone chilling cold winds that make you want to slit your own throat as to not have to deal with the frostbite anymore; power cut off because of flood waters that would even make Noah cringe again. So I ask of you again, DI faithful, is this the ugly face of Global Warming?

I beat the streets for a little while, pondering my next move, perhaps to Tahiti, while gathering information from lifelong residents in hopes of figuring all of this out on my own (I know now that you must know I am a Republican, because the average or above average Dem cant figure out what their name is, much less try and do something themselves). My findings, although not supported by the Guinness Book of World Records, were frightening to say the least.
These kind of natural disasters have happened over the years, but not nearly this close together. What did the near future of my hometown and states have in store for it I contemplated?
I am, (sorry for sounding a little modest), one of the greatest quality control technicians the free world has ever come across. In my line of work, if there is a problem, then there is obviously a root cause. To fix, or repair, or stop, or terminate a problem, you must seek out the root cause.
Now, just for a brief moment, think of Global Warming as a symptom, just a spec of the actual issue at hand. If the problem is for arguments sake the bastard child disease that is AIDS, then Global Warming would be one of the many symptoms such as esophagitis, a nasty but by itself not deadly, inflammation of the lower lining around the esophagus.
Now, think for another moment, if for some god forsaken reason you were infected with AIDS, that the worldwide doctors union (they formed out of absolute necessity because of atrocious work conditions and sub-human pay scales due to socialized medical care) began selling you mounds and mounds of prescription drugs claiming to be the cure for AIDS, but was actually just keeping you from burping up some seriously foul mouth gas.
My point to all of this madness is this; why stick your head up a bull’s ass when you can just take the butchers word for it? The government and Media is continually shoving this down our throats, green this and green that, and scaring us into submission so that us “ditto heads,” us Rushites nation wide, run to the mailbox or corner store to buy the first photovoltaic powered vibrator we come across because batteries just “add to that there Global Warming stuff.”
I don’t mind the government dumping dough into projects that will help out, but what can we really do to prevent something that scientifically happens on a revolving basis? Why pull the wool over the populations eyes so that funding a “eco friendly green project for the democratic senators ex brother-in-laws, mothers, future wives, dogs seller pocketing a cool $14 million to put up three solar panels in his backyard” will go down a little easier?
My question to you (with all of my infinite wisdom I am still having trouble answering) is this. Can we as a human race do anything to stop the ever growing freight train that is Global Warming?
I, as a God fearing man and disciple of his word, can claim that it doesn’t matter, because you “better believe in him or feel his wrath.” On the other hand, as a brainiac science freak, I have to take into account that other planets in our humble solar system have gone through the same things we as humans are currently experiencing, without the ill effects of a vicious can of hair spray.
So, for all of you doomsday, tree hugging, pink panty wearing douchebag’s out there, put your money back in your wallets when it comes to all the crap that the good old government is trying to sell you in regards to the inevitable warming of the Earths crust (unless of course you want to send it to DI to assist in the spread of our own truth and wisdom).
What will happen will happen, that is the answer. There is nothing we can do about it; just sit back, try not to use so many damn CFC’s, drink some beer, and go to church on Sunday mornings. Take it from me, the God fearin’ science lovin’ gun totin’ badass, which by the way; I am freezin’ my ass off thanks to this Global Warming crap, good call Al.
Until next time, believe in God, have a good time, and make sure you have plenty of ammo.

This is Al Swearingin signing off.