Dumb Information

Pimp Hand of Al Swearingin: Coke VS. Pepsi

Posted in 2nd Amendment, Advertising, Conspiracy, diet, Drinking, Drugs, guns, Mainstream Media, Media, Obama, TV by Chop on 14 February 2009

How long have we as a human race had to endure ads on the Coke vs. Pepsi controversy? Every time I turn on the radio, or change the channel, or walk out of my bathroom after a nice reading of Money, Popular Science or Mental_Floss magazine, the duel to the death hits me in the face. Since the early ‘70’s (yeah I am that old but still can kick your ass), the media has forced us to swallow this fight without the refreshment of swallowing the product. Pepsi is the greatest, no Coke is the greatest, no wait, it just maybe RC Cola, just kidding, its either Pepsi or Coke, are we clear. I, the Honorable Al Swearingin, aim to end this battle once and for all.
There is no comparison, period, and I am sick of some freak boy with a microphone telling me that there is. For those of you who really take this seriously, I will set the record straight once and for all.
Pepsi’s advertising ploy through the years has been based solely off of preference instead of the facts, the true taste and feeling of slamming back a carbonated can in the middle of a hot summer day. As for myself, I will drink either product, but do however strongly prefer Coke over Pepsi, not because of the taste, but because of the feeling that a Coke gives that no other Cola can, no pun intended. I am sure that most of the nation agrees with me that neither product tastes that bad, but prefer one over the other. Like me, if you are a die hard Pepsi fanatic, if you opened the fridge on a Sunday afternoon looking for a quick swig of a carbonated drink and found only the dreaded Coke, you would pull it out and pop the top quicker than Obama nominations duck and run.
To give it a fighting chance, the PR writers at Pepsi Company have made the ads all about the taste, preference over facts. Hey, I can’t blame them; they learned that tactic from the mainstream media. But facts speak for themselves, facts that show that Coke has had the upper hand since the birth of Christ. Pepsi is all bark and no bite, and Coke has the bite, or sting, or kick in the ass that the rest of the class lacks. Its not about taste, it’s about the sting, as Mohammed Ali said it best, “float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.” Nothing, except for maybe a viewing of your 401K statement, stings like Coke.
The purity of the feeling of a Coke rolling down the back of your throat on a hot summer day, the freakishly satisfying stinging sensation that it gives you, is truly amazing. No other carbonated product can give you that sensation, putting Coke head and shoulders above the competition. By the way, if any of you Coke advertisement gurus are reading this, and it winds up in some ad in Bakersfield, California, I am coming for my money; why you haven’t realized this as a selling tool is beyond me. Everyone knows it’s about the sting, Coke is gonna sting going down, and for some reason, its all good.
Take it from me, Al Swearingin, if you like the refreshing sting of a carbonated masterpiece, drink Coke. Now it’s settled, so stop advertising on my T.V.
Until next time the God fearin’ science lovin’ gun totin’ badass says believe in God, have a good time, and make sure you have plenty of ammo.

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A Letter to Congress

When I was first asked to take on this project, I was bombarded with information, letters, and directives immediately. I washed much to the side to try and keep my head above water, passing on many opportunities to present the world with the other side of the story, or stories in our case. For that, I apologize. But, with a stroke of luck, I have resurrected something very interesting and deserving of a post on our site. Please read and enjoy the below letter to a congressman.

Dear Congressman (name has been omitted per request),
I am writing this in reference to the increased amount of troops publically refusing to deploy to a war that they feel is unethical and immoral. I am a civilian contractor currently deployed in Iraq, and have spent the last 3 ½ years overseas. At no time have I witnessed a stronger force, a stronger will, a stronger determination than I have in the time spent in this country. The American military has been given orders to deploy, orders to fight and eradicate an insurgency that has bullied and terrorized a nation, and a hand full of individuals are standing up against the government that has given them the freedom to do so. No matter what the issue at hand, no matter the reason for an occupation of foreign soil, the cold reality is that the soldiers, airmen, marines, and seamen held up their hands, took an oath to stand between their families, fellow countrymen, and the enemy, both foreign and domestic.
It has always been the few that make it to the forefront of the media, the few that are held up and claimed heroes. Ones that defy their leadership, defy their government, defy even the simple thought of responsibility, which are forced in front of the couches and computers of modern day America.
“A month after US army reservist Matthis Chiroux publicly refused to deploy to Iraq, the former sergeant on Sunday set himself up for possible prosecution by failing to report for active duty with his unit in South Carolina,” quoted from Yahoo News.
My request, sir, is that I may take his place, or the place of Lt. Watada, to serve along side their once fellow soldiers, so that they have the extra set of eyes that could enable them to return safely to their always waiting families back home. What I want from life is the ability to show my daughters the good in man, not what is on the T.V. every night, portraying military men and women as oil thieves and rapists. Reality in pictures and words showing what the men and women of the Armed Forces do on a daily basis; repairing damaged dams, water pipelines, sewer treatment plants, constructing new schools and hospitals, delivering food to starving families world wide from someone that I hope and pray they trust, their daddy.
I have learned to realize that I can not change the world, but I can change the world of my children, a world in their eyes free of hate, free of violence, free of discrimination, free of starvation. A world created because of the hard work and sacrifice of the American Soldier driving an MRAP vehicle down a hostile street in Mosul, the American Airmen refueling a B-52 on Diego Garcia bound for the Middle East to provide air support for the ground troops, the American Seaman who guides in a F-18 on a wobbly deck in the Persian Gulf, and the American Marine who sleeps in a sand pit in the Anbar Province, taking incoming nearly as often as beads of sweat roll off his face.
I am not requesting this for fame, or public praise, only to join the likes of the true heroes of America’s modern day. I am officially requesting a waiver to join the ranks of the few, so that I too can defend this nation, my family, and the freedom of so many others worldwide.

Sincerely,
Name omitted per request

Sir, thank you for your dedication and love for your, I mean our, country.